soaking in the details, admiring the small things.

Photo by Reggie Noble of    Be Pure Black Photos

Photo by Reggie Noble of Be Pure Black Photos

I’m guilty of not living in the moment. I’m always planning or reflecting. It’s a coping mechanism I learned as a child. If I dreamed about the future I didn’t have to come to grips with what present was, and my reality was dark. This way of living saved me. I fantasized my way right into college and comfortably into a career. Now that I’m living a life that I’ve not only earned, but deserve it’s hindering my progress and ultimately feeding my anxiety.

Sometimes I’ll look back on pictures of myself when I was skinnier than I am now and remember calling myself fat then. Fantasizing about a future while suppressing the moment. Dangerous. I’m committing to finding some balance.

There is true power in planning, learning and loving what’s next. Not so much that I am forgetting about the beauty of the moments I’m in. The people I’m with and the love around me. Soaking in the details, admiring the small things. I’m committing to more of that. To listening to my calling and loving me for all that I am.

Afternoon: November 10, 2018

I Played Myself and Posed For The Gram Like I Won: A Field Guide

Before I was able to step confidently into my Cardi years with both feet, I spent a number of years playing myself like 2018 Onika.

Instagram made this easy. As long as I could gloss it up with the right lighting and caption, the world didn’t have to experience me as a willing participant in my own suffering.

In 2015, I was twenty-five with a degree, a car I paid for myself, and a career. I had successfully navigated myself out of poverty. I finally had a comfortable seat in the middle class. I had become all of the self-made things the #BossBabe hashtags told me I should be.

Simultaneously I was devastatingly lonely and more unhappy than I had ever been.

By the middle of summer ’15 I had ended a five-and-half year relationship, and quickly jumped into another one to mask my fear of loneliness. My credit score was trash and my emotions were a dumpster fire. 

I’m convinced Solange wrote “Cranes in the Sky” for this part of my life.