I’m guilty of not living in the moment. I’m always planning or reflecting. It’s a coping mechanism I learned as a child. If I dreamed about the future I didn’t have to come to grips with what present was, and my reality was dark. This way of living saved me. I fantasized my way right into college and comfortably into a career. Now that I’m living a life that I’ve not only earned, but deserve it’s hindering my progress and ultimately feeding my anxiety.
Sometimes I’ll look back on pictures of myself when I was skinnier than I am now and remember calling myself fat then. Fantasizing about a future while suppressing the moment. Dangerous. I’m committing to finding some balance.
There is true power in planning, learning and loving what’s next. Not so much that I am forgetting about the beauty of the moments I’m in. The people I’m with and the love around me. Soaking in the details, admiring the small things. I’m committing to more of that. To listening to my calling and loving me for all that I am.
Afternoon: November 10, 2018